Deep Thoughts Unrestrained… (Matt)

[Janet Numan]

Janet had made her way to the north tower, there where a few good spots where she actually enjoyed to view the outdoors. Being high up and still in a protected state, sort of speak. She never really felt like Hogwarts was a safe place, like many others did. After all that masquerade ball was not just strangers it was staff too that had made their position known. Janet had contemplated her own position for a very long time now, and had been coming to term that perhaps there was not such a fine distinction after all.

Deep thoughts for a trouble girl. She hated the feelings she got, having hid them for such a long time it was hard to really understand everything. Mixed and mingled her mind went into such things...

Friendship.

A strange and foreign concept that she had grown to understand, or at least she was willing to try. She liked Matt, he was different, strange and for some reason did not seem to judger her like she perceived so many others did. In all honestly, with herself not misplaced, she knew few people really thought about her anymore. She had been an active student, taken charge of the quidditch team and went to classes like any other student. So it was natural to think that she was starting to have a life.

Love.

Not quite. Janet has the ability, but clearly not the understanding indeed. She sees couples around the school and really can’t put a finger on it. Why someone would want to be with another person like that was beyond her. There was no such thing a love, she did believe. And this strange mindset was not because of a broken heart, even though she had one from her brother’s death. Strange that it was so far behind her now. No this feeling was because she never could understand trusting someone fully, your mind, body and soul…


Hate.

Yes, Janet knew this well. Hate was what drove her for so long. It had to in order to convince yourself that it was worth it. Hate those creatures for the are dirty, evil, and unbending. The idea that they would take you down in any second she felt in her skin. Perhaps that was why it took so much to bring her into the real world, her mind tainted from experiences.

Death.

Please… She had never feared death; even still she has a secret longing for it all to be over with, this life, this moment, these people. However somehow, for some reason she was still alive. ’you must be a fighter to hold on so hard… the nurse had said to her when she had awoken from her coma. No. She was not the one holding on, (she shook her head at her thoughts) so why did she survive? She had to believe that it was because she deserved a second chance, a new life and to understand more.

Faith.

Never before, and now she questioned the very fabric of how things worked. Perhaps there was some sort of faith to have, that somehow things are worth it in the end. That things do happen for a reason. But his only brings her into thinking about the dark, and what was this plan after all. Seers and prophecies are far and few, but they exist… where do they get this information?

The window was foggy, her breath looking out made it so. She wanted to jump right out, free fall down; she smiled at the thought of it, now flying… quidditch the only good bit of magic there was…

[Mathew "Matt" Adams]

ooc;;sorry its so short. muse is a little dead atm.

--Matt finally had a day where he had no work, nothing to do but wander aimlessly through the halls, getting to know the ancient castle, go to all of his old places. Things were looking better for him. His work was getting easier, and he was meeting a lot of new and exciting people. But him and Airan had also grown apart. It hurt him, but he had been expecting it for sometime now. They still hung out, but they weren't...together together.

--Matt found himself heading towards the North Tower, the second highest point in Hogwarts, and he realized he hadn't really ever taken the time to look over the whole grounds. He had lived in the forest for so long, and he had kept to himself when he was previously here.

--He climbed the stairs, his footfalls echoing through the empty space. He didn't think anyone would be up here, after all it was rather chilly. Matt stopped at the landing, going up the other flight of stairs would result in going to the divination class, and he had no use of that.

--Silently, he pushed open the ancient wooden door. And saw a girl sitting near a window, her breath fogging it up. "Janet?" He whispered, sensing something was wrong. He was rather shocked to find her here, and her face looked troubled. He walked quietly and slowly over to her. "Is something wrong?" Matt asked, his voice hesitant. He hated seeing her upset, it hurt him. He considered them to be friends, the first friend he had in a very long time. Excluding Andrea and Airan of course.

[Janet Numan]

ooc: no problem, I get that all the time


Back to reality now.

Janet heard the door open, but she had kept herself at some sort of ease, the best she could muster. “’ello.” She said hearing Matt’s concern in his voice. No one had ever really sounded like that to her, it was strange, and comforting. “Just one of those days.” She started still looking out the window. “I guess it is hitting me that I am going to be leaving here soon, and I just don’t know what is out there for me.” She said, her records held in the ministry where lengthily, and should she try to find a job she would find a hard time to get one.

“I guess it is normal…” she managed a grin, coy and sweet but not a real one still. “What brings you up here?” she asked him, turning to see him, her eyes adjusting from the light of outside to inside. Her face slightly grim, she looked like she indeed had been thinking about a lot, and she had, being there for nearly 45 minutes now, it was nice that someone had interrupted her, better it was someone like Matt.

[Mathew "Matt" Adams]

--Matt wondered if Janet was close to anyone outside of her family, or if she was even close to her family. Since they were muggles, and Janet was not, he was sure that probable put a damper on things. He was extremely fortunate to have both parents as Lycans. Especially his dad. Of course he was close with his mom, but his dad was just...different. He couldn't really explain it.

--And he nodded, understanding exactly what she was saying. The depressed, deep look on her face didn't suit her. Just the other day, in the Great Hall, she had been smiling and it was remarkable at the change she had gone through in mere hours. Matt didn't like his friends being sad or trouble anyway. Especially someone like Janet.

--"Janet, there is something out there for you, I know it." He told her reasurringly, his voice soft and smooth. She might have done some...bad things, but he was sure she would find something. "I know I willl miss you." He said honestly and meekly, realizing what he had said. And he flipped his bangs in front of his eye.

--Her grin was fake, but at least she was trying. "Just exploring. Something new." Matt paused, looking out the window for a brief moment. "And you?" He asked. Then Matt got a good look at her face. Janet had seemed to age about 10 years, not in looks, she was still pretty. But her eyes were deep, and he could tell she was thinking about a lot, and was troubled, because he had seen himself those years at Hogwart's. He knew exactly how she felt.

[Janet Numan]

Janet did manage a smile, “Thanks, I guess it is hard to figure out what I want to do when I limit myself so much by my past.” She said. She wondered how soon after school would she find something, and that she should really start looking now. “Did you know I used to work for the Quibber a few years ago, maybe they would consider me again…” she said having been a photographer at the time she was fearless and ventured far within the forest and got pictures of creatures and things few went to see. She had not really thought about that until now.

“I haven’t picked up a camera in forever though.” She really thought that one out loud, not really to Matt directly. She had a strange, unusual face to him saying he would miss her, no one really had said that to her. Her parents were so glad to have her back, and never wanted her to leave again but she was not sure they really missed her all that much, after all most of her time was at Hogwarts anyway. “Who knows maybe I could be the next crazy professor around here.” She joked, it was not a good one, but not terrible either. Hogwarts would never hire her, she was very sure of it in her mind.

“I love this spot. It feels freeing looking out. It reminds me of flying yet standing still too. I know I don’t make much sense.” She said shaking her head. This spot made her feel safe for some reason, perhaps one day she would figure it all out, but she was not too worried about it now.

“Oh, so how are classes going? I assume you have started them up again. I feel like we have a lot of new professors all the time. They are all young too, like the older ones have better things to do.” She said slightly downgrading the Hogwarts education. Fresh out of school it was like being taught by your upper-class other then a real teacher… Though Janet had to admit, she had her own issues to work out.

[Mathew "Matt" Adams]

--"Sometimes people...confuse me. I think they should consider your past, but would they even glimpse at your present, what you are doing now?" Matt shook his head. "Sorry, I just try so hard to figure people out." He knew Janet certainly did not want to hear his lecture, and there wasn't anyway he would force that on her. And his own trouble shouldn't be pushed onto her. "See, there is always somewhere you can start." Matt said cheerfully, trying to lift her mood. He hated when friends were upset or sad, and would do anything to cheer them up, or at least life their spirits a bit. He always felt like he was less of a monster if he could help someone else.

--Matt paused, "I'm sure it would be like riding a broom, you never really forget. I wish I had a hobby like that, or at least something I was good at." He thought outloud. It wasn't that he was sad about it or anything. But he hadn't found his niche. He didn't have exceptional smarts, and he wasn't very artistic. He wasn't too concerned about it though. He wondered why she looked surprised when he said he would miss her. "I think that would be...interesting." He chuckled. Hogwart's certainly had a reptutation for hiring weird and crazy teachers.

--He nodded. "Yep. Classes are certainly going better. I'm finding I actually kind of enjoy them." Matt paused to look out the window, taking a deep breath. He didn't much care for heights, but the view was rather beautiful. "You are right. It's got a...different feeling. You don't realize how big this place actually is until you get to look over the whole thing." He wasn't really saying it to Janet, just kind of saying it to say it. Matt tended to ramble, and just blurt out his thoughts.

[Janet Numan]

What was she doing now? Making a fool of herself and letting her emotional baggage take its toll. That did frustrate her, these moments of weakness were generally spent alone, so it was a bit to get used to. A few things to consider, and so much more not to. Thinking about it working at the ministry would be great, after all she was already a skilled fighter, and could take down the evil in the world, legally. But with her record she would never be allowed to set foot in there as a worker. Even as a receptionist. Besides that was not her interest anyway, right?

“Honestly, not to much.” She said, not really sure where to start. She knew her record was sealed in most cases, so she could actually do other things. Maybe own her own shop? What though… It was not like she had an extraordinary talent in any thing sold. The Australian Quidditch Team coach had been at the past games, maybe that was something. She did enjoy the game a lot, but felt that her change from beater to chaser made her a bit soft too. Not as strong, but still she was captain and worked hard too.

”Yea, There are options I guess, I should get my act in gear. Thanks, I feel a bit of a moron being all down.” She said to him, hating to talk about anything really, never mind her feelings, that was for therapy right, not this. “That is good, classes are not too bad looking at them. I just am board silly from them.” She said managing a slight chuckle, yes Janet could laugh, she just never really did.


“When I fly over it, it is not the same, it is almost like a picture from here that can’t be touched. I find it somewhat peaceful.” She said having decided why she liked this spot, that was what she needed to do. Take a frim stand again, and really represent herself better, and she would thank Matt for this but that may be a little too odd, even for her.

[Mathew "Matt" Adams]

-- People frustrated Matt, and he knew it was silly, but he couldn't help it. Then he wondered what he would do when he got out of Hogwart's. It frightened him a little bit. Maybe he was just destined to be a nobody. As long as he could just get through his life, and be successful, find someone to love, then that would be enough for him. But he didn't think anyone would love a lycan that wasn't a lycan. No one would understand, who would love a monster?

-- "See, there is always a bright side." Matt said smiling slightly. "Don't feel like a moron. I get down about very silly things all the time." He admitted shrugging. It was true. He still did, but not as it had been a couple years ago. He nodded in agreement. "I was surprised at how much I remembered." Matt had picked up the lessons fairly quickly, and was proud of himself for it. He was studying and putting everything he had into his schoolwork.

-- "It is very peaceful." He looked at the window, over the grounds. Matt felt like going for a run, the lycan in him was dying to be unleashed, to stretch out and run on all fours, wind through his...fur. But he pushed the thoughts from his mind. Maybe later, and he was just beginning to feel human. But he would always be a lycan, and maybe it was time he embraced it. People needed to know the real him, and frankly, he was sick of hiding it. He was sick of being scared of what people might think of him. It didn't matter, he knew deep down he wasn't a monster.

[Janet Numan]

(ooc-sorry I know this is a really bad post)

“Well these sort of moments my therapist strives for.” Janet managed a smile, hey no one liked doctors all that much anyway, and psychology was really the pits. Janet was not someone of many words, and over the years you lose something of yourself when you are alone for that long. This time reflecting back on her past really made her feel like not two but many different people. Only time would tell what was on the plate next.

“Hogwarts is getting too old.” She randomly stated. “Don’t you think?” she added thinking about it in real terms not petty or joking. The school was old, yes. It gave it that grand feeling, but it was also a disaster zone. No one knew where things where, how they work anymore and safety had been thrown out to the wolves. “I think I should do something more, Quidditch is great, but the school needs help. Remember stories of Dumbledor’s Army? Where students actually learned something, maybe we should do something like that, lift spirits and such.” Janet was talking crazy now. Maybe she missed the fight? What ever it was, she had a focus, something she had been without for quite sometime.

[Mathew "Matt" Adams]

--She had a therapist? Janet didn't seem like she would need one. But Matt knew there was probably a lot to her that he didn't know. And he was kind of...intrigued. He liked figuring people out, getting to know them. "Well, if you ever don't want to talk to your therapist, I'm always here to listen." Matt offered politely, smiling gently at her. Maybe she would talk to him, or maybe she wouldn't. He just wanted Janet to know that he was there for her. That maybe in some small, strange, insignificant way, he could understand her problems, and help her.

--Matt was rather surprised at her comment directed at Hogwart's. Too old? He listened to her explain herself, and got what she was saying. He nodded in agreement. "I think they aren't as...focused as they have been in the past. I heard about the attack, and other things. And they even have a vampire as a teacher. This never would have happened when I was a first year." Matt said, his mouth running away with him. It was the defense against the dark arts teacher. And Matt couldnt' stand him. And it wasn't just the lycan in him that was repulsed by the other creature, well, it could have been. But there was just something about him.

--A smile broke across his face. "I think that is a wonderful idea Janet." He chimed happily. Everyone had heard stories of Dumbledore's Army. And just the thought of lifting the spirits and hopes of others brought a smile to his face. He loved helping and cheering people up. It sounded like a goal, something to look forward to everyday. Something to think about besides his haunting past, which was growing farther away everyday he was at Hogwart's.

[Janet Numan]

Janet managed to giggle, it was playful and sincere. “I never want to talk to a therapist.” She said with a smile. “But to get back into the school they made it a requirement.” She said, having gone crazy a bit, that was not too bad of a stipulation; she could have gone to Azkaban if she was not too smart about it.

At least he understood her frustrations with the school. She had been there way too long as it was, and she found herself hoping to never come back to this place again, but fate had a way of changing plans. She was all to well aware of that.

Her spur of a moment idea struck a good note. “Really? You Think?” Not really sure herself. Starting up this sort of thing would take all sorts of will power, not to mention… people skills. However Janet just wanted to put the idea on a shelf, maybe draw it out so long she would be done with school and it would be too late to start some sort of thing.

“I don’t really know anymore. I think that I have more problems then solutions sometimes.” She sighed, hating that empty frustrated feeling she had been getting lately. Perhaps it was because her life had not turned out so great or to any plans either.

[Mathew "Matt" Adams]

--Matt nodded smiling. I don't blame you. "Well, I guess you can call me an informal therapist if you wish. All your secrets are safe with me. I promise. Janet, I mean it. If you ever feel like talking, don't hesitate to." He looked at her, his warm eyes looking in hers. If the school had made it a requirement, there must have been some pretty bad stuff go down in her past. And he knew that had to be hard. And he didn't know if Janet had anyone she felt she could talk to, or if she had many friends at all, like him.

--A smile spread across his lips. "I do think that." It was true. Matt thought that changes were due for Hogwarts. "All solutions come in due time." Matt tried to assure her. He knew how she felt. But now things were finally turning around for him. He was writing his parents almost daily. And classes were going well. He was glad to be back in the swing of things. He no longer had to sleep on the cold, wet ground of the forest. Matt no longer had to worry about hunting. And he could almost forget he was a lycan at all. But did he want to? That was one question he really couldn't figure out.

[Janet Numan]

“I guess I talk a big game when it comes to Hogwarts, but I never do anything about it. Ya know the trophy room is a dust bin too? Seems like we don’t use the school like we used to.” Janet liked the conversation on the school. It made her feel better strangely. She had so many thoughts about improving the school, but did not act on them… ever.

Janet was feeling better, and feeling real in a way. Did she have a friend? It had been a long time since she remembered having any…

“I guess, life has a funny way of working.” She said, as life took so many turns since she was in Hogwarts. “I guess I am still on the fence.” She smiled, a real one too. It was different and refreshing, and it felt strangely new to her. She liked the feeling, but remembered she had made some plans to get some extra practice in on Quidditch, although she was not missing any appointments or anything. Flying however was always nice, she wondered if she could get Matt to go out on a broom one day.

“Thanks.” She added, not really explaining it, but she had an idea he would understand what she meant.

[Mathew "Matt" Adams]

--"It's the thought that counts. And you oviously have thoughts. Now we just need to do something about them." Matt said grinning. It was a very nice thought, and she had a very good point. "It's a shame though. This school used to be...incredible, but now it just seems old and worn out. Like it can't fight another battle." The walls had seen horrible and amazing things. Maybe it was time that Hogwart's got a little revamp. It was time for some change. Or maybe that's what was wrong! "Janet! Instead of changing Hogwart's, why don't we try to restore what was lost! I think that's the problem, is people have tried to change it too much." He spurt out. It all suddenly clicked.

--He pondered her statement, and found it was completely true. "Oh yes it does." Matt chuckled, shaking his head. He would never have guess half the things would've happened to him. As Janet smiled, he couldn't help but smile too. It was nice to see her smiling and happy. And he just nodded as she gave her thanks. He knew what she meant. Matt knew what it was like to have no one to help you. And if he could be that one person to just be there for Janet, then he would be happy for a very very long time. They both just needed someone to listen and understand. They had both been through their share of hard times, and it seemed they undertsood each other. Matt had a feeling the would become good friends, and he suddenly had a new feeling inside...comfort.

[Janet Numan]

(I know it is bad, I have lost a bit of momentum. I'd love to have more threads though.)

Janet enjoyed the changes in her life. Befriending Matt was an unlikely and welcomed addition to her life, and almost made her forget who she was before. How once she would not question who someone was, only what they were. Still, there were times that she did remember, and that was what got to her. She always feared she might…snap…

“Anyway, I was planning to go for a ride on my broom before classes. You can come if you want, but I know flying might not be your thing.” She said not wanting to push him into it, however much she wanted him to. “Keeps my mind a bit more focused in classes.” She smiled, she often did wonder in her head about those things. At least she had something good to think about now, not her next hunt, but her next flight.